My journey

A journey from frustration and emptiness to peace, love and hope

I was born the eldest of four girls into a strict religious family. Believe it or not I was painfully shy – so much so that if you spoke to me I would turn beetroot red and I also stuttered badly. At age 11 to my absolute horror I was sent off to a convent where I was bombarded with religious rituals, traditions and an abundance of laws. Some how I went from a little shy thing to a class bully – which I am not proud of. On the God front the convent rules and religious traditions led me to believe that God was not approachable, not personal and not loving. So I choose to ignore the religious stuff as best I could and spent my spare time absorbed in what I did well and that was sports, netball, running, horse riding at the weekend and skiing on the dry ski slope and yes boys of course – but not necessarily in that order. I had become extremely competitive during my time in school – second place was never an option only first would do. I had a real sense that for me to be somebody you needed to be the best – the very best – that way I could acquire self-worth and feel special!

Have you ever seen the St Trinian’s movies – that was me!. Academically I scrapped through and was asked not to return for my A levels – the nuns had previously tried to expel me on number of occasions but my parents had persuaded them otherwise.! I think it was to do with smoking in the toilets, escaping into town to meet boys, hanging toilet roll out of all the windows, sending burnt bacon in the post to show my parents how bad the food was and pretending to faint every morning in church and so on. Just a word of warning in my early twenties I did start fainting for real in pubs, clubs and parties – so let no one tell you that God doesn’t have a sense of humour. Not surprisingly, after six years in a convent I opted to go it alone, in the opposite direction – I wanted to get as far away as possible from anything that was remotely religious.

St. David’s Ursuline Convent - bet you can’t spot me!

After a short stint in Art College (I didn’t like being told how to paint) and free from rules, I jumped on a plane and headed for Switzerland – as you do! Yes I was going to fulfil my dream of becoming a ski instructor. I passed my skiing qualifications – taught skiing all over Europe and then somehow after accepting a challenge to try speed skiing – I was hooked – speed skiing is a bit like jumping out a block of flats but with skis on. I Loved the speed and the risk and the excitement – I seemed to have a natural flair for speed and my race successes saw me compete professionally with sponsorship backing from Smirnoff and Alfa Romeo, which catapulted me into the limelight. I became British Overseas Champion and New Zealand ladies Speed Skiing Champion. I had everything I had dreamed of: money, recognition, traveled the world and a high media profile. But this lifestyle left me feeling cold and empty. Deep down I knew life had to have a greater meaning but I was unsure where or how to find it. Skiing therefore took centre stage.

Putting a ‘brave face’ on an injury that would change my life

But whilst competing in the World Cup in France I fell at one hundred and sixty kilometres an hour and shattered my leg in eight places. Statistically I should have died at this speed but I was blessed that I had survived with just a mangled leg – which now had acquired one plate and 28 screws. The life I knew came to a grinding halt. Strangely enough during this incident I felt God’s presence and this gave me an overwhelming sense of peace. If you had asked me the day before what the worst thing that could happen in my life this would have been it. The doctors told me I would never be able to do any sports again and I would also walk with a limp – so that meant my windsurfing and water skiing which I taught in the summer was also out – finished. But I had a strong sense that God had personally intervened. For the next two years, whilst I was recovering, I felt drawn to finding out more about God – and whilst I recovered in Cyprus I attended Bible studies and went on a Christian retreat. BUT as soon as my injuries had healed I was off again. I turned my attention back to ME.

I think I am a bit like a hamster on a wheel – once I get started I am off and nothing will stop me. God probably thought “Oh no she’s off again” I went off, bought a race horse and eyed up the possibilities of being a jockey – at the same time I made a video with Virgin videos on yes you’ve guessed it “How to ski the fast way”. This led me to working as a sports presenter on television.

All this time I was searching – searching for some purpose and meaning to my life- I really felt that a change of scenery would provide me with these answers and I relocated to the Middle East (Bahrain and then Dubai) to work in public relations and pursue my love of horses – first in show jumping and then endurance racing. To cut a very long story short I married, divorced, battled with cancer, lost my mum to cancer, tried out for a ladies car racing team, was now a member of the Irish endurance team and in my unending quest to find a meaning behind my life I tried out crystals, reiki, tarot cards, astrology, transcendental mediation and all the New Age stuff – but on a positive note I married Jeff. Even though I had a lifestyle that some would say was perfect – it wasn’t I was still trying very hard to find a solution to my emptiness and lack of peace – for me there was no real meaning to life – something was missing. I was trying to fill this void with success in sports – I believed a world that said when you’re the best at what you do then life is complete!!

It was only when I moved to France, fifteen years later, and became friends with a Swiss Christian couple that I began to get a clearer picture of who God was. He wasn’t dead and buried in a history book he was alive and very real. My new friends taught me that faith was a living belief that penetrated every aspect of our life’s and that you could have a personal relationship with God. This was a totally new experience for me – one that made me realise how wrong I had been in putting God in a box. I spent time studying scriptures and I really enjoyed learning more about God but I was still doing my hamster impressions and running my life as I saw fit. God was a bit like an add-on. He was part of MY life but I was the driving force.

But thankfully God had a plan!

I was coming into my tenth year on the Irish endurance team and was now concentrating on qualifying for my third World Equestrian Games. I had spent three years preparing one of our top horses for the qualifier in Portugal. The day before the race, after a short work out, Bisou, my mare collapsed with a serious metabolic problem. I was mortified. Three years of my life wasted – How could God do this to me? I felt like He had abandoned me. I was depressed and angry with God. I remember going back to the hotel room and had the biggest temper tantrums ever – got my suitcase and threw it around the room and screamed and screamed and cried. You may think this is stupid over a horse race but this meant everything to me – it was as if my life depended on it. Thankfully Bisou recovered but it took me a while – On returning home, my Christian friends were waiting. They prayed and read from the Bible whilst I sat frozen and defiant. No not talking any more to God our agreement is OFF – finished – no more!!!!

The next morning feeling depressed and full of self pity I reluctantly opened the Bible and without even reading a word it suddenly dawned on me, I had it all wrong. Terribly wrong! I had been the driving force behind my life and God had been in the passenger seat – sometimes he had even ended up in the back seat! I had always been in control of the steering wheel. What was I doing? At that moment I dropped to my knees, in the kitchen and cried and cried I pleaded for forgiveness and I told God that from now on He was in total control – He could have my life, because it was so empty without Him. It’s hard to describe the feeling but that day totally changed me on the inside. I felt loved, I felt like I belonged and I had a freedom that I had never experienced before. It was in that moment I felt such a release – I no longer had to prove myself. God loved me just the way I was. From that day in (September 2009) I had an overwhelming sense of God’s love and a real passion to know Him more.

My whole life turned up side down – in a good way. My obsession with racing or competing literally disappeared overnight. Now I couldn’t see the point in spending seven hours a day on horse back to finish a 160km ride – it all seemed rather meaningless BUT my love of horses and sport stayed but without the obsessiveness. No I did not rush off to be a nun – nope !!

I have found that living my life with God in control is not boring or full of rules or regulations, yes He gives you boundaries but they are there to help us – Life with God – it’s exciting, it’s invigorating and challenging. I have hope, meaning, love, freedom and a relationship with the person who created me.

I love watching how God works in my life and other people’s lives– how he answers my prayers and theirs. And yes I still do risky things – I love riding bare back and bit less – I love backing our young horses but God is my priority now. He never strips you of your personality – he adds to your personality. Speed skiing and endurance racing was a real rush but it was meaningless without God – yes you can still compete in sports and there are many amazing Christians who do BUT they put God first in their lives. I know he gives all of us unique talents and he has a different path for each of us.

I have no idea what God has planned for me in the future but I trust Him with my life regardless of the outcome. How many times did He pick me up and put me on the right track – many, many times. How loving and patient is He. The best thing I ever did in my life was to give my life back to God.

The world tells us that we should focus on our selves and spend time acquiring material and wordily possessions and success – but they are all meaningless as they all turn to dust.

Jesus said “if you cling to your life, you will lose it, but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.”

A journey from frustration and emptiness to peace, love and hope

In Him, Iona xx